


Baby, You Make Me Want to Calibrate my Joystick Without the Latest Drivers

by PunishedPyotr



Series: Shadow Moses RomCom [1]
Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Attempted Seduction, Awkward Flirting, M/M, bonding over bad dads, reupload, thirst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 13:28:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13718673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PunishedPyotr/pseuds/PunishedPyotr
Summary: Liquid Snake is suave, smooth, well-spoken, perfectly charming, and more than capable of being seductive if he wants to be.Or at least, that's what he'd like to think.





	Baby, You Make Me Want to Calibrate my Joystick Without the Latest Drivers

**Author's Note:**

> I noticed that a lot of Otaliquid fics tend to be the same in that they all follow the same pattern of Liquid seducing Otacon (or raping him, if that's what the author's into). Now, you might have noticed this from my other fics, but that wouldn't fit in with how I characterize Liquid. So, I wanted to try my hand at an Otaliquid fic. This is the result.

Dr. _Huey_ Emmerich was a spineless, whining, cringing, scummy, lying, blame-shifting coward who managed to get suckered in (with minimal effort!) by a literal twelve-year-old with a thoroughly established attitude problem, and not because he believed he had harmless intentions, either. Dr. _Hal_ Emmerich was - instead of being anything like his father - young, naïve, geeky, passionate about his job in a pure-hearted way, socially awkward, and _very_ cute.

It really wasn’t hard to figure out which of the two Liquid liked liked more.

Unfortunately, he ruined his chances less than five minutes into his first conversation with him, outside their initial introduction.

“Oh, my father,” said Hal, “died about eight years ago.”

“Well, no great loss,” Liquid replied without thinking.

There was a pause. Hal stared at him in - what was that, shock? Liquid did what he usually did when faced with an unsalvageable social situation: he turned around and left without another word.

(Quite frankly, most social situations he considered unsalvageable would have been perfectly salvageable if handled by someone more capable of subtlety, nuance, or actually apologizing for saying something rude.)

He heard Mantis’ derisive snort from where he was leaning his forehead against the wall, mentally kicking himself for having all the social grace of a Jew at a Christmas pageant, and didn’t turn around.

“Serves you right. Disgusting…”

“I didn’t even _say_ anything,” Liquid said through gritted teeth.

“You were thinking it.” He sounded accusatory. “You want to get dicked at least once before you try to fight the whole world and potentially die in the process.”

“And what’s wrong with that?” (Said defensively.)

Mantis scoffed. “Do I really need to answer that question?”

He didn’t. Liquid glared at him. “It’s not any of your business and your input is not appreciated, Mantis.”

“My input is not appreciated? How do you plan on getting my permission to have sex, then?”

“I do _not_ _need your permission to-_ “

“Considering what’s coming up in the next few weeks, I’m feeling generous. I’ll leave you alone with your attempt to seduce the engineer.”

“…”

Mantis tilted his head. “I’ll even give you two little tidbits of information I pulled from his mind that I’m sure you’ll find useful. One is that he’s bisexual.”

Liquid blinked. “So I _do_ have a chance, hypothetically.”

“The other is that he didn’t like his father either, and is somewhat… refreshed at having met someone who knew him but doesn’t pretend to be saddened by his death.”

“…so I didn’t completely mess that up!” He slapped a hand to his forehead and turned around. “I’m going to go talk to Emmerich again.” He started walking back towards the lab.

Mantis stared after him, both amused and not amused at the same time. “Boss, I don’t know if it’s a good idea to talk to him with such a red face…”

* * *

The FOXHOUND commander, Liquid Snake, was a handsome guy - aesthetically speaking, of course - but kind of maybe a bit on the weird side.

_No,_ definitely _on the weird side_ , Hal amended as Liquid returned to the lab about ten minutes after he suddenly left almost mid-sentence.

“Did you leave something here?” Hal said.

“No,” Liquid said with a bland smile, “I simply realized it was rude of me to leave so abruptly.”

“Oh. Well, um…” He trailed off into awkward silence. “Was there something you needed to ask me?” he tried, “about Metal Gear, or…?”

“No. I mean, yes.” The way Liquid shifted his weight from one foot to the other kind of undercut the masculine confidence of his posture. “Would you… like to join me for a drink sometime? Tonight,” he added.

Hal blinked in surprise. “No thank you.”

Liquid’s expression changed slightly. “No thank you?”

“I don’t really drink,” Hal explained.

There was another awkward pause. “Neither do I, come to think of it,” Liquid muttered under his breath.

“Then why did you offer?”

Hal only realized he said that out loud when Liquid stared at him. Finally, Liquid said, “I- just thought it would be _prudent_ of me to foster a positive relationship with the lead engineer on the REX project.”

“Oh.”

“So.”

Hal adjusted his glasses nervously. “Sorry, but can we do this later? I’m kind of busy right now.”

“What? Oh, of course! I…” and he left as quickly and abruptly as he did before. Sort of. He stopped at the door and said over his shoulder, a little louder than necessary, “I’ll see you again this evening, then, Emmerich,” and _then_ he left, leaving Hal sitting there wincing at how casually he dropped the ‘Dr.’ from his name.

And being on the receiving end of amused looks from his colleagues.

* * *

Wolf covered her mouth with her hand as she laughed. “ _Please_ tell me someone put a bug on him. I can’t remember the last time he even held a _normal_ conversation with someone, let alone tried to _flirt_. This I _have_ to hear.”

Mantis rolled his eyes. “If you want someone to bug him, ask Ocelot about that.”

“We should start a betting pool on whether or not he successfully seduces him. Emmerich, you said?” She frowned slightly. “Isn’t that the one I keep catching staring at my tits?”

“Perhaps you shouldn’t leave them hanging out everywhere.”

“ _You’re_ wearing leather bondage gear. Anyway, the boss can have him, I’m not interested.”

“Are you planning on passing that along to him?”

“That depends. If we actually allowed you in the betting pool, what would you put your wager on?”

Mantis narrowed his eyes. “No comment.”

* * *

Word that Liquid was trying to get laid spread through FOXHOUND in less than half an hour. Liquid became aware of that when Ocelot discreetly approached him and reminded him to “wrap it before you tap it, boss.” Which… he had a point. But where was he supposed to get a condom on Shadow Moses? He certainly didn’t bring his own (it didn’t occur to him he might need any until he saw Hal) but perhaps someone else had. Just in case.

So, passing over Ocelot since he was sixty years old and if he had sexual paraphernalia in his personal possessions Liquid didn’t even want to _know_ about it, Liquid decided to bluntly ask Raven about it.

The fact that this was basically turning into a team effort to hook Liquid up with the Metal Gear project team leader was not lost on him. Perhaps they could pass this all off as a strategic move, a quick and dirty way of getting in good with the man who designed REX - which _would_ benefit all of the Sons of Big Boss. But, it was more likely that they had all placed bets on how long it would take for Liquid to get into Hal’s pants and were eager to see what the outcome would be.

Raven handed him two XXL condoms. Liquid stared at them for an uncomfortable second, then handed them back.

“Raven, I learned something about you today,” he said flatly, “something I have not once wondered about.”

“Ah,” Raven said. Liquid decided to ask Octopus instead. (Of course Mantis wouldn’t have any, and while quite frankly Wolf was _the_ most probable candidate, she’d needle him about implying she was loose.)

He wondered who had placed their wager on _tonight_. He was sure they’d win.

* * *

Hal was outside with the wolfdogs when Liquid appeared out of basically nowhere - or, more specifically, he turned around and found that that Liquid was standing a few feet behind him and Hal hadn’t heard him walk up and he was sure that if he’d had heart problems he would have just keeled over and died right there.

“I didn’t mean to startle you, Emmerich,” Liquid said mildly.

“Oh, I wasn’t-“ Hal started, forcing himself to relax, “I mean, I wasn’t expecting to see you out here.”

“You weren’t in the office.”

“Um, no. It- it gets kind of stuffy in there, y’know? Plus I needed to feed the dogs.” He turned around and crouched in front of one of the wolfdogs, scratching it behind the ears. “Do you like dogs, commander?”

“Please, call me Liquid. And yes, I do. They’re useful creatures.”

Hal frowned. That was a much… colder answer than he expected. Also, was he supposed to respond to the first part with “Oh, and you can call me…”? The way Liquid just called him ‘Emmerich’ was overly-familiar enough.

He changed the subject. “You mentioned you knew my father.”

“Ah, yes. I did.”

“How- when did you meet? I’ve been wondering about that all day. I, uh, never heard about you.”

There was a pause before Liquid answered, very slight but long enough that Hal glanced over his shoulder. Liquid had a guarded expression. “It was back in the eighties,” he said dismissively. “I was a child when we crossed paths, but I never forgot him.”

“Not for good reasons, though, I assume,” Hal said quietly, turning back to the wolfdog.

“He never gave me a _good_ reason to remember him. It’s the same for you, isn’t it?”

Hal was silent. He internally jumped again when Liquid suddenly crouched beside him, jerking his hand out of the way when Liquid reached out to also pet the wolfdog’s ears. He could see Liquid watching him out of the corner of his eye. “I…”

“Hmm. When I heard the head engineer of the REX project was called ‘Emmerich’, I thought for a minute it was your father - but Ocelot told me it wasn’t the case…”

“Ocelot? He’s the old one, right?” Hal said, “did he know my father, too?”

“Longer than I did, but I’ve never really asked about it.”

“Well, I guess it doesn’t really have anything to do with you…” He hesitantly scratched the wolfdog under its chin, making sure not to let his hand get too close to Liquid’s.

“No, not really. Anyhow, I thought the last name was just a coincidence until I saw you. You look very much like your father, from what I remember of him.”

“Oh.”

He hadn’t really intended for that to come out as flat as it did, especially considering he knew full well which parent he took after, appearance-wise. Liquid glanced at him, frowning.

“I mean…” Hal tried, then stopped.

“Do you ever look in the mirror and see your father’s face instead of yours?” Liquid said, and the tone of his voice had changed in a way Hal couldn’t quite place. It was less… polite now, less superficial.

“…yeah.”

“I know what that’s like.”

“You also look like your father, then?”

“Oh yes, very much so.”

There was a short lull in conversation. Hal noticed that Liquid’s hand had slowly been moving down towards his while they talked, but for the moment he decided not to move. He inexplicably felt like he was reaching out for something and it was just within grasp, but he hadn’t closed his fingers around it yet. “And you also… didn’t like your father.”

“I _hated_ him. My biggest regret is that I wasn’t the one who got to kill him.”

Hal swallowed hard and abruptly stood up, suddenly feeling guilty. Liquid looked up at him, with raised eyebrows. Hal could only guess at if he was thinking he shouldn’t have said that or not.

“Problem, Emmerich?”

“It’s- it’s cold,” Hal said lamely, “I can’t really stay out for too long, y’know?”

Liquid stood up, too. “I’ll walk you back inside.”

“You don’t have to- I know the way, I mean. Probably better than you do.”

“I insist.” Liquid fell into step beside him - perhaps a little too _close_ beside him. “It wouldn’t do if the brilliant project leader should slip and fall and hurt himself, would it?”

“Er, no, I guess… um, but I’m not… I mean, thank you?”

“It’s no trouble,” Liquid purred.

And almost on cue, Hal slipped on a patch of ice. Liquid caught him neatly by the arm, preventing him from falling and steadying him on his feet, without even breaking stride.

“O-Oh…”

“See what I mean? Alaska is dangerous.”

“Yeah…”

He wished Liquid would let go of his arm now.

“So,” Hal said, a little apprehensive, “you met my father in the eighties - what year was it? How old were you?”

“1984. I was twelve.”

Hal did the math in his head quickly. “So you turn 33 this year. I’m only 25, that makes you eight years older than me.”

Liquid spocked an eyebrow down at him. “Is an eight-year age gap a _problem_ , Emmerich?”

“Uh… what would it be a problem _for?_ ”

“Oh, nothing,” said Liquid smoothly, “just… for fostering a positive relationship-“

And then (about two yards away from the door), Liquid’s boot skidded on some ice and he completely fell over, cursing, and taking a screaming Hal down with him. Hal landed on top of him, their legs tangling together, and he tried to push himself up, his hands planted in the snow on either side of Liquid’s head.

There was a brief moment where they stared at each other. It was exactly like something out of a bad romance animé.

Then Liquid blushed furiously, and it was even _more_ like something out of a bad romance animé.

Hal jumped up quickly. “Are you alright, com- Liquid?”

“…just go inside. Leave me.”

Hal hesitated, then did so. Liquid wasn’t even trying to sit up. What a weird guy…

Later, Wolf found Liquid still lying on the ground two yards away from the door. She didn’t ask how long he’d been there. There was a dusting of snow on him. His eyes were closed. If he hadn’t been breathing, she would have guessed that he had spontaneously died, perhaps of embarrassment, since she assumed this was related to Dr. Emmerich somehow.

“…I hate socializing,” he said at length.

“Boss, you know how people like to give advice like, ‘Just be yourself, and then he’ll like you back’?” Wolf said.

“Yes?”

“That is not a good idea for you.”

“…”

One of the wolfdogs wandered over, then got distracted by Liquid, stopping and licking his face. He sat up and pushed it away, annoyed. “Do you have any _other_ advice you’d like to give me?” he said sarcastically.

“Pay attention to where you’re walking, even if you _are_ absorbed in conversation,” Wolf smirked.

“Ha ha.” (Said in a complete deadpan.) “You’re hilarious, Wolf.”

She waved her hand dismissively. “What have you actually tried so far?”

“I’ve… been nice to him.”

“Flattery?”

“Yes.”

“Pick-up lines?”

“I don’t know any.”

She rubbed her chin in thought. “That is probably for the best. So, you’ve been unsuccessful with the direct approach…”

“Wouldn’t the direct approach be just walking up to him and asking him to fuck me?” Liquid said in a… somehow innocent tone of voice.

Wolf blinked. “True. But I really don’t think that would work. We’ll call that ‘plan C’. ‘Plan A’ was the… _semi_ -direct approach…”

“So ‘plan B’ is the _indirect_ approach.”

“I hope it works, boss, I have eighty dollars riding on this…”

* * *

Hal pushed his glasses up his nose. _Someone_ had been at his workstation during the night - someone who wasn’t him. This was concerning. Or, at least, it would be if whoever it was had appeared to have done anything besides Google something really stupid and then not clear the search history.

“Alright,” Hal said to the other scientists, his cheeks slightly pink, “which one of you searched ‘HOW TO GET CUTE ENGINEER TO SHAG SPEC OPS COMMANDER’ from my computer? It’s not funny. We were just _talking_.”

* * *

“Plan B didn’t work,” Mantis told Liquid, “and Wolf’s getting tetchy because she wagered you’d convince Emmerich to have his way with you by the end of the week, and you still haven’t accomplished that.”

“I know, I know,” Liquid growled, running one hand through his hair. He was really starting to get frustrated. “Mantis, could you-“

“No,” Mantis said.

“But-“

“No.”

“Please?”

Mantis shook his head. “I already told you everything from his mind I was willing to tell you. I said I would _stay out of your way_ for this, not that I would _assist_ you.”

Liquid frowned.

“No pouting.”

“I am _not_. Couldn’t you at least tell me if he’s completely oblivious or just playing coy?”

“Figure it out yourself,” Mantis said with a scoff.

Like Liquid had the people skills for that. The only social cues he ever picked up on were the threatening ones.

It was time for plan C: the direct approach.

Liquid directly approached Hal in an isolated hallway that evening, after Hal’s work for the day had been completed, so he couldn’t use that as an excuse. Hal stammered out a greeting and Liquid executed a flawless kabe-don.

Hal went red. “Um, Liquid…?”

“Yes?” Liquid said coolly. (Aside from the fact that he was also flushed.)

“What… what are you doing…??”

“I want you, Emmerich,” Liquid said, almost breathlessly, “I want you to fuck me.”

Hal choked on nothing. “Huh?!”

“Did I stutter? I said I want you to fuck me. Put your cock in my ass. I’ll even let you pull my hair.”

Hal stared at him in - shock? horror? hopefully not horror. “B-B-But… but… why me?”

“Because _you’re_ cute and _I’m_  randy. Come on, Emmerich.”

“But-“

“Don’t worry, I have condoms.”

“But I’m straight,” Hal burst out.

Liquid opened his mouth, then closed it again. Then said, “you what.”

“I’m- I’m straight,” Hal repeated timidly, pressing himself flatter against the wall. “Y’know, heterosexual.”

Liquid blinked several times, all the blood slowly draining from his face. “Oh. Ah. Well.”

“Er… sorry…”

“No, it’s. fine.” Liquid stepped back. His eyes were very wide. “…I have to go.”

And he turned on his heel and left swiftly, leaving Hal standing there with his heart pounding and his cheeks still hot, trying to figure out what the heck had just happened.

“What a weird guy,” he murmured.

* * *

“ _Mantis_ ,” Liquid said in an extremely falsely pleasant tone, “best friend, partner, other half…” Mantis didn’t need to read his mind to tell he was currently _fucking pissed_ with him.

“What do you want?” Mantis said.

“Oh, I just want to ask one very simple little question,” Liquid said with a strained smile. “Why… the _hell…_ did Emmerich tell me he was _straight_ after _you_ , the _psychic_ , told me he was _bisexual?_ ”

“He is bisexual,” Mantis said.

“Not according to _him_.”

“He is,” Mantis said again, “he is also, however, closeted.”

Liquid took a very deep breath through his nose, then let it out slowly, clenching and unclenching his hands. “You did this on purpose.”

“And?”

“It’s not fucking _funny_ , Mantis.”

“I beg to differ.”

Liquid glared at him for a long moment, then threw his hands up irritably. “You know what? Forget it. Forget it! We have more important things to be focusing on!!” He stormed off. Mantis watched impassively.

He’d have to tell Octopus he’d won the bet.

And so, Liquid Snake learned a very valuable lesson that day: Always try the direct approach first. It saves time.

Also if your BFF is a dick, sometimes they’ll be a dick to _you_.

**Author's Note:**

> any and all comments will be forewarded to aireyv! i will either copy/paste their reply to me or they will reply on their own account! have a nice day!!! if you have any questions, just ask!!!!)


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